Pain

It’s been more than a month since I’ve written anything on this blog. My heart has been hurting for days and I know that I am not fully healed. I guess an explanation is necessary.

Tuesday, September 9th 2014: approximately 2:00pm.
It was any other normal day. Excited about seeing my parents on the 16th, getting my costume ready for Rose City Comic Con. I received a call from my sister in Oregon telling me my father had a heart attack. She didn’t know all that was going on but wanted me to call my husband and tell him. All she knew was he was on the way to the hospital.

My heart sank. I couldn’t believe it. It didn’t sound real to me.

I didn’t want to call my husband. What I wanted was to find out about my dad so I called my mom. As I was on the phone with her she told me they were trying to revive him. I was sick to my stomach. 3,000 miles away and I couldn’t hold my mom or be with my dad. The Chaplain at the hospital got on the phone to try and calm me down. I don’t remember how I was reacting but I do remember the chaplain asking me what she could do for me or what I wanted to do. I just told her I wanted to pray!

I asked God to save my father. Just keep him alive. But if it was his time to go, to take him home.

Just after I prayed my mom got back on the phone with me and told him he was gone.

My world seemed to come crashing down around me. I fell to the hard wood floor, my whole body convulsing from pain. Wailing at decibels that neighbors from 5 houses down the road could hear, I curled in a ball. I heard a car door from the street below and had a feeling it could be my husband. When i called him he said he was already there. I told him to get upstairs fast as I continued to wail.

I never thought, in my entire life, that I could every weep so loudly or that my body could feel that much pain. As my husband walked through the door I struggled to get up and grabbed his arms as I fell to the ground again screaming out that my dad was gone. He held me as cried and my body fell into exhaustion.

I don’t know how long it was before I stopped crying and became a bit more lucid, however my heart still felt heavy. I was far away from my family as they were grieving. I had no one but my husband where I was. To take my mind off of all the phone calls that were coming in and the tears that were being shed, I went back to making my cos-play.

On my birthday, August 26th, my dad and mom had sent me some money. I used that to purchase the fabric for my cos-play. Working on the project in a way, kept my mind off what had happened but also reminded me that he would’ve never wanted me to drop what I was doing and not finish it. So I did.

That Thursday my husband and I flew out to Oregon to help the rest of my family and grieve with them.

That next week we cremated my father and had his ashes placed in the Willamette National Cemetery. That weekend we had a Celebration of Life Service at our church and got to share laughter, tears, and many stories I never even knew about.

About two weeks before he passed he called me just to tell me that he was proud of me. It was the most random phone call I ever received from him, but it was good. The weekend before he passed him and my mom went on a road trip around Eastern Oregon. When they got back my dad told my mom that would be their last long drive. It’s like he knew he was going to be going home soon.

It’s now been over a month but the pain has not subsided. It still hurts. I keep thinking about all the things I won’t get to experience with him. Like getting to see the look on his face when I have a baby of my own or watching me get my master’s degree. So many things that I have yet to do and he will not be there for me to share my joy with.

My father was someone that I always came to for advice. He was a strong and gruff man but with a kind and tender heart. He would cry at moments that would surprise others, but not us. I remember moments when I was a kid of me falling asleep on his chest or him teaching me how to shoot for the first time.

I was really looking forward to coming back out to Oregon and getting to spend some time with my dad. I had plans to go fishing and hunting with him again, trudging the great outdoors. Now it’s all gone. Everyone tells me it will be all okay, and though I know that, it doesn’t keep the pain from creeping up.

I do know that it will take time for me to heal. I didn’t think I’d be able to write this now, but I’ve had some tremendous help from my friends and family reminding me that this was the best way to heal. So here I am.

Pain is still there, however my heart feels lighter.

On to the Hard Part

Well it’s official! We are moving back to Oregon! Not exactly sure what day as my husband wants to have a job lined up first, however, today he finally told his work our plan to move by the end of October. I’d like to be there earlier, but for now I’m just okay with the fact that we are moving back.

I was a ring of emotions today. I’m extremely happy, but now that we are starting to make some awesome friends here, I’m sad we will be leaving them behind. We already had to do that when moving from Florida to Massachusetts and it killed me to leave our friends and church we had there.

Like everything, God had a plan and it’s to only be here for a season.

Now’s the hard part. Job and place to live! First off we need to have a job lined up in order to know how much we can spend on a place. Second of all, we need to find a place that is in a decent area and not to far from the college I will be attending. I’ll be trying to find a job while there as well, but I will be waiting till we get there to do just that.

Good news is… we will be there before Portland Comic-Con! Yes you heard me correct! I am going to this one as well! After careful consideration, I decided to up my cosplay ante just a bit. for the Portland Comic Con I will be dressing up as the Wicked Queen from Once Upon A Time! Of course, this means I have to do some sewing and all that, but since we will be back in Oregon, I won’t have a difficult time finding fabric! 🙂

Most important thing of all, I’m happy to be returning from whence I came. My home. Every other place has just been temporary. I will always call Oregon my home! Thanksgiving and Christmases will no longer be just the two of us! I’ll get to make food for an entire family!

My stress level will be up the next couple months, which might mean a lack of blogging, however I will try my best to keep up!

Reality

This time of the year is extremely difficult for my husband and I. As the middle of summer reaches its peak, we are hit with the realization that the kids have to head back to Washington. It is never a fun time when we have to watch the kids head out on a plane, only to know we may not see them for another year.

However, this year is different!

We won’t be saying goodbye for that long!

This Christmas it is our turn to be with the kids and hopefully (God willing) we will have moved back to Oregon by the end of October so we’ll get to have them every other weekend too! There is hope and I look forward to that day, but for now, sadness still invades our hearts.

I may not be their real mother, but they are a part of my life and I love them as if they were my own, so it is hard to see them go. Everyday my son tells us “I love you” and “I don’t want to leave”. The thought lights my heart in many ways to know he wants to stay with us longer. We wished that were a possibility, but for now it is not, and that is okay.

Things will change soon and I’m looking forward to it.

The reality of it all is sneaking up on us fast. October is only two months away.

Got to get cracking then!

-Jay

The Perfect Storm

I have often thought of all of the places that I have been, all the places I have lived, and all the places I still want to go to. I have contemplated the weather, and weather changes. I have thought about nature and what I chose to let surround me. I have thought about all of these things only to realize that I am happily different from a lot of people.

For starters, I’m not a sun person. Where I like the sun the best is on cold crisp Autumn days. The sky would be this beautiful bright blue and the clouds would be few and far between, little wisps, like trails of cotton candy in the sky. The sun would be up and bright, but the weather is cool. I remember days like that when I worked at Whispering Woods Resort back in the early 2000’s. I loved working in the morning (I still do) and being able to enjoy the silence that comes with such days.

I am a sucker for the rain. I see rain, and I am instantly happy. I get excited for rain clouds. I don’t want any of the natural disasters that come with it, of course (flood, tornado, hurricane, etc), but the sound of rain falling, how all of the earth (at least that part that is getting rained on) is being washed clean and nourished. I am often reminded that I need to have my own rainy days to nourish myself and become new.

I have mentioned before that the fall is my favorite season for the above reason and the colors. I love watching the leaves change. I love change, and transitions, I feel the most alive during these times.

One thing that I love, that I know my husband is not very fond of is snow. I love the moments before the snow starts falling. My world grows silent and I can just stand there and look up into the sky and simply watch for the first flake to fall. I wouldn’t even call it falling really. It is more like it floats down from the heavens to the awaiting earth.

My perfect day would consist of all of these things happening while the temperature does not rise about 74 degrees.

Tell me about your perfect day, or perfect storm.

~Kay

Use Your Sniffer

Growing up, I always wanted to know what it would like to be an animal. I loved most animals and especially was fond of my dog Kirby. Yes, she was named after the vacuum cleaner and did an amazing job putting her nose to the ground and covering every inch of underneath our dining room table growing up.

It was with Kirby that I tried my first dog biscuit. It much be an acquired taste, one that I could never get accustomed to. I was happy that she enjoyed them. I probably fed her too many of them. Who wouldn’t want snacks all of the time!

I loved how happy she seemed all of the time. Her mouth always hung open with her tongue hanging out the side, her tail wagged so hard that her entire back half shook.

One thing that really made me jealous was that she was allowed to play in the creek that was a short walk from our house. Kirby splashed around care free, chomping at the water as if it was attacking her back as she created the splashes herself.

Even as an adult, what I wouldn’t give to be able to just take a nap whenever I was tired, and to just be happy all of the time. I think the only thing I didn’t envy, was her desire to eat slugs. Her mouth would get so sticky and gross. She would still smile at you even when she was caught red handed. I was young enough back then that it was my mother (I love you, mom!) that had the pleasure of cleaning Kirby up after the incidents. I wonder how different I would feel about things if it were my responsibility.

~Kay

PS. Dog food does not in any way shape or form taste like cocoa puffs. 🙂

The Other Side (of the family)

My Throw Back Thursday post is not directly about me, but about the patriarchal side of my family. I was recently shown this picture via Facebook of my father’s side of the family. I only have one picture of my Grandpop and maybe one picture of my father. This is the first time I have ever seen him as a teenager. In a lot of ways, he is exactly how I pictured him. Long hair and all.

In the back row from left to right is my Dad (Mark), Nana, Grandpop, and Aunt Barbie. The front row was Aunt Linda, Aunt Karen and Aunt Donna.

Mark and Karen are biological siblings and my Grandpop Charles was their father. Nana brought her children (Linda, Donna, and Barbie) into the marriage. I was really young when this happened and they have always been real aunts to me instead of step aunts. It saddens me a bit because over the years we have pretty much lost all contact (aside from a like or two on Facebook) after my parents moved my brother and I from Jersey to Oregon.

I would love to connect with all of them again in the future. I have many cousins that I have yet to meet and they are fully grown.

Here’s to the future!

~Kay

When In Doubt… Dance Out

About 7 years ago I had surgery on my stomach to keep from having heart burn all the time. The recovery time for surgery said nothing about when I could really start doing faster paced activities. Seeing as it was a Friday, two of my girlfriends and I decided to go swing dancing. It had been a month since the surgery, so I thought I would be fine. I was wrong. Not even half way through the 2nd song I was dancing to, I almost pass out. I was very light headed and not feeling like myself. I thought I would be fine to dance but apparently I wasn’t. My friends dropped everything and took me to the hospital. While there they did everything in the power to make me laugh and keep me focused on other things rather than what was going on. I don’t remember much of that night except for the tremendous amount of laughter and trying to give directions to my friend to get home while I was doped up on pain medicine. Not exactly the best time to be giving instructions.

This was the last time I remember going swing dancing. It makes me sad that I haven’t gone since, but I hope to do it again when we move back to Oregon.

 

-Jay

Another Year!

I can’t believe it! No matter how many times I think about it, I just can’t wrap my mind around it. About five years ago I met this amazing guy on E-Harmony. That’s right, we met on the internet. Say what you will, but it worked. He is an honest, God fearing, loveable husband. I thank God every day for bringing him into my life. Oh, did I mention his name is Jon?
On March 20th, 2009 I was getting ready to go to the midnight release of Twilight at Lloyd Center. Jon and I had been texting back and forth about meeting each other face to face. We had been talking to each other since February 14th. At first he was just going to meet me the Saturday after the party, so I had planned on that. I dressed up as Alice Cullen, went to the release party, won first place in the costume contest, and since we (my mom and my sister were with me) still had some more time, we drove to the Wood Village Wal-Mart where some of the actors were there signing autographs. I received a text from Jon saying he just drove into Sandy. It was already 1am so I told him to head to his brother’s house and I would meet up with him tomorrow and that mom and I made a pit stop at the Wood Village Wal-Mart.
My mom and I (sister went home after Lloyd Center) spent an hour in the store chilling out with other twilight fans, got autographs from the two guys that played Jacob’s buddies, and met another girl dressed up like Alice as well. When we decided to leave I got a text from Jon saying “Where are you?”. So I told him and he said “I’m here, but I don’t see you”. Apparently he was driving around the parking lot. We met face to face in that parking lot. I will never forget that day! Exactly a year later we were married in Troutdale, Oregon and today, March 20th 2014, is our 4th year anniversary! It kind of seems surreal as we still feel like we are on our first day of marriage. It is a blessing to be loved by him.

Side note: I would like to thank Kay for posting for me on Tuesday and for being the only one to post Wednesday. I have been very sick the past couple days and I’m so thankful that I have a friend like her who messaged me throughout the day asking if I was doing okay. Good thing is, I’m able to get up and walk around again! Yay! I feel better just saying that!

-Jay

Assortment

What my mother does not know…

This is tougher than I thought. My mom and I were not super close toward the end of my teen years and living at home. Once I moved out on my own; however, everything changed and she became my best friend. She still lives in Oregon and I am in Tennessee. I miss her like crazy. There was a time early in my marriage when she had called and I did not pick up. I later told her that my husband and I were watching a movie, even though we were really being intimate with each other. I later told my the truth, and now every time I tell her that we’re watching a movie she starts busting up laughing. I do it on purpose because I like it when she laughs. I do have something that she doesn’t know (or assumes she knows but doesn’t)… I’m just not sure I should share that with the world. Remember that one time… yeah, me neither!

How is she still alive?!

I am missing three body parts.

I must have been six or seven years old. If I squint my eyes hard enough I can ever so slightly recall a few details. I had been sick a lot and it was recommended that I have my tonsils removed. I remember three things that happened right before it was time for me to go into surgery. My doctor blew up a surgical glove and drew a face on it. It creeped me out more than it brought a smile to my face. At the last moment I was told I couldn’t go into the cool children’s surgical room that had animals painted on the ceiling, but had to go into the grown up room. Right before going under the nurse gave me a choice: laughing gas or a shot in the ankle. You can guess which one I chose.

The best part about the entire experience was after the surgery when I could eat as many popcicles as I could manage!

In June 2006 I spent three weeks in the hospital and ended up having an exploratory laparotomy and both my appendix and spleen were removed. There was a misdiagnosis and many stories from that time that I sincerely hope to get back to and share with you all. Now; however, is not the time.

How old are you really?

The oldest item in my possession is a 1966 mass market copy of J.R.R. Tolkien’s “The Hobbit.” One of my co-workers, Brad saw it and wanted it once I had processed and priced it to put on the floor at work. I have yet to tell him that I ended up buying it myself. If you’re reading this Brad, I owe you a free energy drink or something! 🙂

I can’t BEAR to part with it…

All I know is that I was young when I got this. I cannot recall the exact moment I received it, why I received it and by whom I received it from, but I have this old fairly flat stuffed bear. The material itself was the bear and its two sides were simply sewn together. I wouldn’t be surprised if I haven’t pulled the stuffing out of this guy once or twice. He is nameless and has had both legs, one arm, and his neck broken in two places that have been expertly stitched up by my mother. His imperfections is what made him perfect for me. I loved him for his insides, not how he looked on the outside. Here I am 29 years old (with 3 years experience) and I couldn’t dream of every getting rid of it. The only exception is when my husband and I have children, I will happily and wholeheartedly pass him down to them.

~Kay

Mathlete

Write down EVERYTHING you can remember about your algebra teacher.

-Kress Drew

-Sandy Union High School (currently Sandy High School)

-Average height

-Slightly nerdy

-No glasses

-Kind eyes

-Had him for Algebra I (sophomore year) and II (senior year)

-He petitioned for me to move onto Algebra II even though I failed Geometry and was supposed to repeat it

-Never missed a day of work… unless you count the one day a year that he dressed up like Alex Trebek to help us study for our finals

-Inspirational quote on the wall each week

-Taught me how to properly shake someone’s hand (eye contact, smile, firm confident shake)

-Extremely kind, understanding, encouraging, honest

-Always willing to help (he wouldn’t move onto the next subject until everyone understood)

-Most kids didn’t want his class because he was a hard teacher. That made me like him even more. If you put the time in and studied, you would do well in his class

-Full of corny jokes

-One of my top three teachers of all time

-Shortly after high school, he sent me a small card encouraging me to follow my heard and chase my dreams. That card is one of the few things I have left from high school

-He didn’t just teach math, he taught fundamental values of being a good person

-Wrote me an amazing letter of recommendation for work/college

-Encouraged questions

-Open door policy

Mr. Drew was my favorite instructor in high school and he was my standard for teachers throughout my college education. It saddens me a bit knowing that quality teachers are so few and far between. I have had at least 30 different teachers from K-Bachelor’s degree. I can count on one hand those that have been exceptional.

Thank you Kress for helping shape my life.

~Kay